Knot-A-Tail
Coffee and Giggles: Horse jokes and humor

Daily inspiration for the horse lover in you: Daily Oats Blog  

Are you a Horse-a-Holic?

If you answered, You bet, then you are going to love Morning Coffee and giggles.  Coffee and giggles is aimed at just how "horse crazy" we can get. 

.........Live the connection: the love of a horse.  Enjoy the page  Love Roberta

 


All I have learned in my life, I have learned from my horse.

• When in doubt, run far, far away.
• You can never have too many treats.
• Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
• New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
• Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
• Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
• Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
• Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
• Eat plenty of roughage.
• Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
• When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
• In times of crisis, take a poop.
• Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
• Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
• A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.

• Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

All I need to know in life I learned from my horse:

 


15 things a horse person never wants to say in public

 

1. Do you like my breast collar?
2. She's got a really nice, big, square butt.
3. One testicle is visible, but I can't even feel the other one.
4. In the winter, his Ass gets really hairy. And never ask “can I pet your Ass?”
5. She's on a new diet, she's only eating grass.
6. He has trouble mounting her because she's so tall.
7. All of her babies have been sold overseas.
8. She wants to breed to my stud.
9. There's nothing like 17 hands between your legs!
10. He had a bad attitude, so we castrated him.
11. He's got a lot of stamina, you can ride him all day long.
12. He's much better if you ride him with a crop.
13. I wanted to breed to her stud, but he's all booked this season.
14. If he's not good, just grab his lip and twist it.
15. They cut his toe shorter and he walks better now.
Added By Knot-A-Tail Fan Brita Jan Trimmell Theriot "the semen has arrived" or " I have to go ship semen today"
Out of the horse's mouth??

 

 


 

Have you ever asked yourself what would that be like?

What would it be like to be a filly?



1. As a filly, over morning coffee with the other mares, I could pick-up an AQHA journal (my pick) and find me a (man) stallion. Flip through the pages until I found, you know, a HUNK! Of course, only the the best: good looking, intelligent, athletic, healthy and excel in a particular discipline. All others would be gelded.

How perfect, I could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad reputation!

2. Next, I would be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with all my buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all my needs taken care of by somebody else!

3. That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset and prove that I am an "easy keeper". Hummmm Fat actually being attractive?

4. Don’t forget that I am waited on literally hand and HOOF with my room cleaned daily.

5. Did I mention the all I can eat buffet before me every moment of every day.

6. Can you believe that I get new shoes or a pedicure every five to six weeks

7. My own beautician comes to do my hair daily

8. I have my own private chauffeur. I go everywhere in an expensive vehicle designed just for me and a few close friends...oh and with food in front of us while we travel.

9. Best yet, that my kids are weaned they can't move back home.

10. And most importantly, I have better clothes, grooming supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people that take care of me.

Oh how I live for just one day “in the life of a filly. Who Knew


Just one day, as a Horse



Oh how I live for just one day “in the life of a filly. Who Knew? I want to be a filly too!




The city boy

: A city dweller came to a farm and saw a beautiful horse. He decided he had to have the animal. He bargained with the farmer and the farmer finally sold him the horse. The city man jumped on the horse and said, "Giddyup!" The horse didn't budge.

The farmer explained, "This is a special kind of horse. He'll only move if you say, 'Praise the Lord.' To stop him, you have to say, 'Amen.'" Keeping this in mind, the new owner yelled, "Praise the Lord!" whereupon the horse took off with great speed.

Soon horse and rider were headed for a cliff. Just in time the rider remembered to say "Amen!" The horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed,
"Praise the Lord!"


Who can open the gate?
This story takes place in a big pasture, filled with all different kinds of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd: "Who can open the gate?" Here's what they say...

Lipizzaner: "No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!"

Thoroughbred: "Let's wait for the gate to open - when the bell rings!"... Read More

Paint: "Yeah, what he said! Na na na na na na!

Arabian: "You'll have to get somebody else to do it. My nails
aren't dry!"

Quarter Horse: "Maybe if I push on it with my hindquarters, I could open it?"

Standardbred: "Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out. Just give me some time."

Polo Pony: "Wait a minute ... let me get my stick and give it a few whacks."
Shetland Pony: "Let me at it! I'll break the stupid thing and then you all can get outta my face."

Mules: "Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day."

Saddlebred: "Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes!"

Friesian: "I'll do it! But do you think it will mess up my hair?"

Mustang: "What's a gate?"

Belgian: "Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?"

Morgan: "There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?"

Appaloosa: "Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving 'till I say so."

Percheron: "I already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it'll be a while before I have to listen to all of you argue again!"

The Donkey Auction
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Horse Laws still on the books
In Kansas City, Kansas, an ordinance prohibits driving a horse without holding the reins.
Colorado bans fishing from horseback, as do Washington D.C. and Utah.
Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.
In Clarendon, Arizona it is illegal to water your horse from a bucket that has a hole in it.
It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.

In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.

It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.

Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.

A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.

Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.

In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.

In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.

In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.

A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: "No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter."

In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.

Pennsylvania law states: ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.''

In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.

In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.

Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse."

Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined."

Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydran