Knot-A-Tail
Jokes, funny stories and horse humor
Morning Coffee and giggles
Horse lovers always have the best sense of humor, so I thought I would share a giggle or two.   Just too cute to pass by.


 

15 reasons to date a Cowgirl

  1.  Cowgirls  know how to use whips and spurs correctly.
  2.  Cowgirls  like to do it  ..... One word...."Bareback."
  3.  Cowgirls  are used to bite marks.
  4.  Cowgirls can ride for hours.
  5.  Even after a rough day, Cowgirls  are always ready to ride.
  6.  Cowgirls  mount with ease.
  7.  Cowgirls  ride 'em hard and rub 'em down.
  8. Cowgirls  have good hip control.
  9.  Cowgirls  instinctively know how fast or slow to go.
  10.  Cowgirls can ride in any position.
  11.  Cowgirls are used to having 1500 lbs of muscle between our legs.
  12.  Cowgirls can always hit the right spot.
  13.  Cowgirls are  used to a bouncy ride, and make them look smooth as glass.
  14.  When Cowgirls  fall off, we get right back on.......and ride even harder.
  15.  Cowgirls  like it dirty.

Those Sexy Cowgirls.
Those Sexy Cowgirls

 



 

 

The proper way to get bucked off

1. Ensure that you have an audience.There is absolutely no point in being decked by your horse unless there are oh,say a hundred people around to watch.This way you will have made them feel better about their own inadequacies and you won`t have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened;it is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either

 
  • Someone you admire and want to impress on
  • Someone you despise and don`t want to give any ammo to, or
  • Someone you have the hots for and want to impress, or
  • Your best friend who will have no compund in falling over, laughing and pointing
2. Try to be spectacular. I mean,anyone can just get bucked off and land on their backside can`t they? You want to try to make this „the decking to end all deckings.“ The Titanic of buck,you get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following
 
  • An extremely acrobatic horse- you want one of those twisty-turny jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championship
  • A supple back- you should practice somersaults, pirouettes and handstands at home
  • A helmet- see, i can be sensible!!!
3. It is best if this buck comes at a time when the audience is watching you, but no one is prepared for what is to come. During a Dressage test is good. Your horse should be working nicely, giving no indication that you are about to become „the person who learned to fly.“ Of course, experts at this will point fall swishing, the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but they are show offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this will look like a dramatic performance which you and your horse have practiced at home.

4. When the horse leaves the ground and launch you into the air like a cannonball, it is far more gratifying for the crowd if you can let out a blood – curling yell. Kind of like William Wallace when they cut his, uhm, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the local police knock on your door asking if you are keeping a wild cougar in your back yard, you will know that you have it right.

5. You should try to stay elevated as long as possible. The longer the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as if you were a rug doll, you will achieve additional marks for artistic impression

6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind that you hear when you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to go splat – it puts the audience off their hamburgers

7. Lie immobile for a while as your horse runs off into the distance. After a suitable time raise your head and groan: „you b*****d!!“
The Proper Procedure for Being Bucked Off


You know you are a Horse-A-Holic when:

 

...you were driving to the grocery store and you freaked when you didn't see the trailer behind you.
...you have ever used perfume on your horse.
...you consider belt buckles and spurs jewelry.

...you spend more hours at the barn than at work.
...your dog drinks out of a bucket rather than a bowl.
...your kids shop at Tractor Supply Co.(or any horsey store)

...you put your coat on the floor because the coat hanger is full of bridles and halters.
...you think high-heels are cowboy boots.
...when you think strapless is the kind of spurs where you push them onto your boot.

...you get pizza delivered to the barn more often than your house.
...the perfect getaway is a new trail ride

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.

 


Horse Stimulus Package



This is hilarious.................


Mr. President,

.... it has come to my attention that you're having some challenges with the economy. If I understand things correctly, we're in a recession, consumer confidence and spending is down, credit is tight, investors are spooked, we need renewable energy, and health care costs are through the roof. Trillions of dollars, not to mention our future, are at stake.

Mr. President,

I'm just a rancher, but I think I have a solution.

....................Give every American a horse.

My proposal may not make sense to you at first, but let me give you a little background. First of all, horses in the U.S. are a multi-billion dollar industry, and that's just at my house. I suggest you have your economic advisers do a little research on the spending around horse ownership. You'd be surprised, Mr. President.

Start by visiting the tack and clothing retailers like State Line or Dover . Look at the variety of goods available there. Now take into account that every horse owner, especially if it's a woman, is buying not just one or two, but tons of these items.. Believe me.

So my thinking is that if you give every American a horse, starting when they reach the horse-receptive age of 10, you're going to do two things: boost consumer confidence and boost spending. Immediately. Horses make us feel good, and once Americans all own horses (at the government's expense, of course), they will all logically fall into the pattern that every horse owner succumbs to: accessorizing.

For starters, we need horse-care implements like buckets and muck rakes, hoof picks and curry combs. And we need at least basic tack, halter, lead-line, saddle, saddle pad, bridle and bit. But then the fun begins.

*Zebra print** leg wraps. Neon bright fly masks. An assortment of sheets and blankets for all seasons; you've got your cooler, your lightweight blanket, your medium blanket, your heavy blanket. Then there's your stable sheet and your pasture sheet. Also your hoodie, and tail wrap items.*

And that's just the clothing for the horse. Don't get me started on the clothing for the rider, even if he or she doesn't show. Since most Americans don't have a basic riding wardrobe, the stores would be swamped for jeans, boots, breeches, t-shirts, dozens of pairs of cute boot socks, helmets, and SO MUCH MORE!! Tell the retailers to get ready. It'll be Christmas all year long!

Now let's talk about support industries.. In addition to the usual veterinarian and farrier expenditures, people also give their horses chiropractic, massage and acupuncture, not to mention buying more beauty products for their horses than they do for themselves. All those professions and industries will benefit. And of course there will be a big spike in hay and grain demand, so the farmers will be happy too.

You see, that's the secret to jump-starting consumer spending through my stimulus package. People will spend money on their horses when they won't spend money on anything else.

But, your advisers might say, there's a catch. Aren't we paying the price, in global warming, of the large number of livestock animals we currently have? They produce all that methane!

Ah, Mr. President, here's the real beauty of this idea. When you introduce the Methane-Assisted Natural Unrefined Renewable Energy plan (M.A.N.U.R.E.), you'll be a hero for coming up with an alternative, renewable, home-grown source of clean energy. Just challenge the energy gurus to come up with a methane gas collection system that can harness all the natural resources produced by all those horses to power our cities. Talk about shovel ready-projects: M.A.N.U.R.E. fits the bill!

And you keep stressing how we need new industries for investment; well, under the M.A.N.U.R.E. plan you can sell Petroleum Offset Opportunity units to investors. By buying these units, investors can help us gradually convert from a petroleum-based economy to one based on horse P.O.O.

Health care costs will go down, too, as everyone cares for their horses. You can give tax credits based on the amount of time people spend working, riding and hanging out with their horses, which will automatically make them healthier. (Don't tell the docs, but most horse owners already get their own basic health care from their vet.)

One more thing: everyone is annoyed by these corporate CEOs and their big bonuses in a down economy. So give the executives, say, one horse for every $100,000 of bonus money they've received. Those bonuses will be plowed back into the economy in no time.

Finally, because you, Mrs. O, and the girls are such role models, you can encourage us all by getting a pony for Sasha and Malia. It will teach them responsibility, help the First Lady plow the garden, and as a bonus: free fertilizer for the Rose Garden.

If you don't believe me that horse ownership stimulates spending, go ahead, Mr. President. Buy that pony for your girls. You'll see.


 



Horse Quotes

 

There's nothing so good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse. - Ronald Reagan


A bad day riding is better than a good day fishing.

A Dog looks up to a man, a cat looks down on a man, but a patient horse looks a man in the eye and sees him as an equal.

A dog may be man's best friend, but the horse wrote history.

A fly, sir, may sting a stately horse, and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other a horse still.
- Samuel Johnson

A good rider can hear his horse speak to him, a great rider can hear his horse whisper, but a bad rider won't hear his horse even if it screams at him.

A horse doesn't care how much you know until he knows how much you care.
- Pat Parelli

A horse is an angel without wings.

A horse is like a best friend. They`re always there to nuzzle you and make your life a better place.

A horse is like a violin. First it must be tuned, and when tuned, it must be accurately played.

A polo pony is like a motorbike with a mind of its own, weighing half a ton.

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Arabians: A little bit of everything perfect.
- Amanda Ferber

Bread may feed my body, but my horse feeds my soul.

Care, and not fine stables, makes a good horse.
- Danish Proverb

Closeness, friendship, affection - keeping your own horse means all these things.
- Bertrand Leclair

Feeling down? Saddle up, It is the only cure.

Give a horse what he needs and he will give you his heart in return.

Give me food and drink; and care for me. And when the day's work is done, shelter me. Give me a clean bed and leave me not too small a place in the stable. Talk to me, for your voice often takes the place of reins. Be good to me and I shall serve you more gladly and love you.

He knows when you are happy. He knows when you are proud. He also knows when you have a carrot.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has, which keeps it from betting on people.
- W. C. Fields

Horse... if God made anything more beautiful, he kept it for himself.

Horseback riding is life, the rest is just details.

Horses are the dolphins of the plains, the spirits of the wind; yet we sit astride them for the sake of being well-groomed, whereas they could have all the desire in the world to bolt, but instead, they adjust their speed and grace, only to please us, never to displease.
- Lauren Salerno

Horses can't talk, but they can speak if you listen.

Horses give us the wings we lack.

How do you catch a loose horse? Make a noise like a carrot.
- British Cavalry joke

How to ride a horse:
Step One - Mount the horse.
Step Two - Stay mounted.

I have often been asked why do I like horses so much. Look into one's eyes. There you will see generations of horses who have served the humans for thousands of years faithfully for nothing in return. Beaten horses, starved hoses, horses who no longer possess a spirit. They deserve to be loved and respected as much as humanly possible. Let them run free again. Let them no longer be a faithful beasts, but embrace them as you would a dear friend, for that is what they are.

I have seen things so beautiful, that they have brought tears to my eyes. Yet, none of them can match the gracefulness and beauty of a horse running free.

I live in a house, but my home is in the stable.

If God had intended man to walk, he would have given him four legs. Instead, he gave him two - one to put on either side of a horse.
- Montana Rancher

If I had a dime for every time that I thought of a horse's beauty, I'd have enough to buy one.

If the horse does not enjoy his work, his rider will have no joy.
- H.H. Isenbart

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.

It excites me that no matter how much machinery replaces the horse, the work it can do is still measured in horsepower.....even in this space age. And although a riding horse often weighs half a ton, and a big drafter a full ton, either can be led about by a piece of string if he has been wisely trained. This to me is a constant source of wonder, and challenge.
- Marguret Henry

Life is short. Hug your horse.

Love means attention, which means looking after the things we love. We call this stable management.
- George H. Morris

My husband says, if I spend one more weekend at a horse-show, he'll leave me. Darn - I'll miss him!

My new horse was sold to me as a real gentleman to ride. He is. When we have to go over a fence, he insists on "ladies first".

Nothing is more sacred as the bond between a horse and a rider. No other creature can ever become so emotionally close to a human as a horse. When a horse dies, the memory lives on, because an enormous part of his owner's heart, soul, and the very existence dies also.
- Stephanie M Thorn

Nothing moves me more - when on the way to fetching in my mare in the morning - than the sound of her neighing to me as I open the gate.

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.

People on horses look better than they are. People in cars look worse than they are.
- Marya Mannes

Riding isn't the matter of life or death. It's more important than that.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
- Elizabeth Taylor

The history of mankind is carried on the back of the horse.

The Joy of horses is not the riding, jumping, racing, showing, or grooming, but of owning.
The more I meet men, the better my horse looks.

The world is best viewed through the ears of a horse.

There comes a point in every rider's life when he wonders if it's all worth it. Then one look at the horse, and he realizes - it is.
- Kelly Stewart

There is nothing like a rattling ride for curing melancholy! - Pared
Throw your heart over a fence and your horse will follow.

To ride or not to ride - this is a stupid question. - Brandy Michelle

To understand the soul of a horse is the closest we humans can come to knowing perfection.

When God wanted to create the horse, he said to the South Wind, "I want to make a creature of you. Condense." And the Wind condensed.
- Emir Abd-el-Kader

When riding a horse, we leave our fear, troubles, and sadness behind on the ground.
- Juli Carlson

When riding my horse, I no longer have my heart in my chest, but between my knees.

When you are on a great horse, you have the best seat you will ever have.
- Sir Winston Churchill

When your horse follows you without being asked, when he rubs his head on yours, and when you look at him and feel a tingle down your spine you, know you are loved. Do you love him back?

Who among us has not as a child asked Santa Clause to bring us a pony on Christmas day?

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to buy a horse.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink," is an old saying that is not exactly true, because anybody that's ever been around horses would know if the horse didn't want to go to water then it wouldn't.

You cannot train a horse with shouts and expect it to obey a whisper.

- Dagobert D. Runes
To the love of a Horse:

They are a passion, they create  spirit, amaze  life and made me more human.  Roberta Marie

"If the world was truly a rational place, men would ride sidesaddle. "   Rita Mae Brown

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill

Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground. ~Author Unknown

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall. ~Mexican Proverb

No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle. ~Winston Churchill

The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears. ~Arabian Proverb

To ride a horse is to ride the sky.

There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse. ~Robert Smith

A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence. ~Pam Brown

The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire. ~Sharon Ralls Lemon

All I pay my psychiatrist is the cost of feed and hay, and he'll listen to me any day.

When I bestride him, I soar, I am a hawk: he trots the air; the earth sings when he touches it; the basest horn of his hoof is more musical than the pipe of Hermes. ~William Shakespeare, Henry V

A horse is worth more than riches. ~Spanish Proverb

When you're young and you fall off a horse, you may break something. When you're my age, you splatter. ~Roy Rogers

In riding a horse we borrow freedom. ~Helen Thomson

Feeling down? Saddle up.

God forbid that I should go to any Heaven in which there are no horses. ~R.B. Cunninghame Graham, letter to Theodore Roosevelt, 1917

Wherever man has left his footprint in the long ascent from barbarism to civilization we will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it. ~John Moore

Small children are convinced that ponies deserve to see the inside of the house. ~Maya Patel

To me, horses and freedom are synonymous. ~Veryl Goodnight

The horse through all its trials has preserved the sweetness of paradise in its blood. ~Johannes Jensen

Horses lend us the wings we lack.

The horse is God's gift to mankind. ~Arabian Proverb

Horses - if God made anything more beautiful, he kept it for himself.

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.

 



 


• Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
• Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .
A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
• Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
• Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
• Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
• Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
• Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
• Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
• Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
• Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
• Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
• Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
• Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
• Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
• Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
• Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
• Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
• Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
• Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
• Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
• Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.